Yard Sale

The other night the excellent half and I were sitting in the office. She was scrolling through facebook and I was reading some blog written by someone who was bitchin’ about whatever it was they were bitchin’ about.

The excellent half popped up and said they are having a community yard sale in West Liberty tomorrow. I said you want to go. She said naw, we don’t need to spend the money.  With a little glint in my eye I said you got something better to do? And she said so you want to spend some quality time with me. Trying to irritate her, I put my head down as if I were thinking about it.  And after a long pause I said of course I want to spend time with you honey. The long pause didn’t get a rise out of her. We’ve been married too long for that old trick to work. But you never know. The classics are classic for a reason.

The next morning she got out of bed at the crack of 8:00. I had been up since 2:30. We met in the office again. I was, once again reading some blog written by someone else who was bitchin’ about whatever it was they were bitchin’ about. She scrolls thru facebook and then plays some game she’s been playing for a couple of years. About 9:00 I went to burn some breakfast on the stove.

I had saved up some sausage grease and a couple of pieces of sausage. So I made some gravy and baked some frozen biscuits. By 9:40 I was in the middle of ramming sausage gravy and biscuits into my face and the excellent half rolls in. She complains that she shouldn’t be eating breakfast as she breaks a biscuit in half and smothers it in high calorie gravy. Watch the pepper I said. I got a little happy with the black and red pepper. As she’s hammering that first bite home she said that she never puts pepper on anything I cook. She’s smart that way. Like any good southern cook knows, if the food doesn’t burn at both ends, it ain’t got enough pepper.

I took some time to practice singing and loosen up the old vocal cords as I had a gig the next night. Twenty songs later I’m sweating and ready to do the gig. I walk into the living room and she asks are you ready to go. I am!

Into the truck and off to the gas station for some dinosaur juice and a couple of Pepsi co-colas. And Cheez-its. I know, I know, we just had breakfast but it’s a thing. About 30 minutes later we are in West Liberty at our first yard sale. I’m not going to get into all the various places we went. But we were out there for about 2 hours in the hot sun. Here are some highlights. We saw lots and lots of clothing. I don’t generally buy clothing at a yard sale because the property owner generally gets honked off when I pull off my pants to try on what they are selling. And besides when I sit on driveway gravel, the rocks poke me in the ass. And don’t get me started on 200 degree concrete and its effect on my delicate bum.

Someone was selling bras. The excellent half was shocked at this. She would “never buy a used bra”. I’m thinking that bunches of people touched and maybe even tried on that bra your wearing. But their not my hooters so I have no say. I would definitely draw the line at skid-marked underwear. But who knows if those used jeans you’re wearing were owned by someone who always went commando. Something to think about.

We bought trinkets and baubles…a dollar here a quarter there. I actually paid 2 bucks for a garden art flag thing. The last place we stopped had some good stuff. There was an air driven brad nail gun that looked really good. I figured it would be 30-40 dollars. So I put it down. The excellent half asked the guy how much he wanted and he said 10 dollars. He had that money in his hand before he got “dollars” out of his mouth. He had an old reel mower just sitting there begging me to take it home. But I just have no place to display it. So it will have to wait for another someone to give it a forever home.

Then it was time to hunt down a restroom (that’s a loo for all my British friends and family). The 20 ounces of sweet tea, 12 ounces of OJ, and 20 ounces of Pepsi were working on me. The gas station we stopped at had closed their restrooms. A covid closure. We had to go to a state park. Their restrooms were open. It doesn’t make any sense but then again, it’s the government. If you’re expecting any government to make sense you will be consistently disappointed.  It’s not that the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing…the fingers are even talking to one another.

On the way home, we took the long way. I keep Google maps on all the time. I put in the system that I want to go home and it plots the way. But, if I decide to go the opposite way I will and Google maps will recalculate the route. You gotta remember to turn done the voice on maps or that little &#%$* will keep telling you to turn here or make a u-turn. It’s really annoying especially since I set the voice to a British accent. My excellent half thinks its weird but it’s soothing and obnoxious at the same time.

If I see a road less travelled, I will take it. With Google’s help, it’s a great way to see the countryside and not get lost.  You may run across some little shop or a yard sale, or whatever. Anyway we took an hour to get home for a drive that normally takes 25 minutes. We get to see all the fields of corn and beans, there’s lots of cattle, sheep, goats, llamas, and horses. And there are some really pretty farms out there. You see a lot of pride in their farms.

We got home and unloaded our treasures. We were too tired to do anything else so we rested a bit and called it a day. Topped off the day with a fried bologna sandwich for supper.