How Much “Free” Costs

Over the years I occasionally get a lesson in how much “free” costs. This lesson drove home the old Robert Heinlein adage “TANSTAAFL” – There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.

Every once in a while I am reminded that TANSTAAFL is alive and well and still applies to my daily life. TANSTAAFL lessons are usually expensive.

Several years ago my Excellent Half wanted to raise chickens. One of the selling points was free eggs. I pointed out and rightly so, that the eggs were not free as we would have to house, provide lighting, water, and feed said chickens. Logic was tossed under the bus when I was told that since we would have the chickens and we would have to feed them anyway, the eggs would be a free byproduct of owning chickens. Who in the heck could argue with that bit of masterful double-speak. I knew that I was beaten before I started but I wanted to feel like I put up at least a token resistance.

But to get to the point where we could house the chickens, we needed to build a series of coops in the barn along with multiple egg laying boxes, outside runs with fencing, and overhead netting. We got it all built but had not seen a single egg and we were already into it for a couple of grand. Then we bought the chicks and fed ‘em for 3 months or so until we started getting those “free” eggs. Tasty!

The next free thing that we got also centered around chickens. My Excellent Half entered a contest for free chicken eggs of some odd breed that she wanted. And she won! We did not have an incubator so we had to purchase one…$350.00. Then we needed a brooder box. I built one that was so heavy it took both of us to pick it up…$30.00. I think we got 12 fertilized eggs. So these free chicken eggs ended up costing almost $32.00 each.

To be honest we hatched probably 5 dozen eggs in that incubator. That drives the cost down to $6.33 per egg. We could buy a fully hatched chick for $2.00 from Rural King. So look at all the money we saved!

Then a few months ago, my Excellent Half saw a free armoire on Facebook. Just come get it they said. When someone offers you a piece of furniture 6 and a half feet tall, 3 feet wide and 2 feet deep for free, buyer beware. When we got there, a 15 minute drive, the armoire looked just like the picture. It actually looked very nice. Yeah it had a couple of bad spots, but the price was right. We started to move it, and I suspect the only things holding it together were spit, bobby pins, and the prayer of the people giving it away. They were praying that the thing wouldn’t fall apart before it got on the truck. We got it home with no damage except the drawers fell apart. (I guess the spit dried up and the prayers wore off.) I put the drawers back together and used some real screws to make that happen. The piece was also racked a bit. So being the gentleman I am, I exposed the rack and handled it gently. All set up – we use it as a bar. It doesn’t have any alcohol in it. I don’t drink and she only drinks wine. So this bar comes in really handy.

The latest free thing we got was an upright piano. Honestly, people give these things away. Don’t believe me? Get out on Facebook and put it out there that you are looking for a piano and you don’t want to pay for it. Sounds strange doesn’t it – asking people to give you something that they probably paid good money for. Your email inbox is going to fill up fast as people know a sucker when they see one. And there is a reason for that. These damn things are heavy. Not heavy like you can pick up one side and move it around some. No these things are heavy like you need to hire movers to pick it up and bring it to you…which is what we did…for $350.00 plus a $40 tip.

Now this behemoth is on rollers. Little. Bitty. Rollers. And those rollers don’t work because they have never been used; they would leave gouges in whatever floor they rolled around on. So to move this monster around I had to purchase two movers dollies…$50.00. They are coming Monday. I’ll take a 6’ spud bar and try to lift up one side so my Excellent Half can slide a dolly underneath it. Then we’ll do the other side. If the spud bar trick doesn’t work I’ll bring in Ol’ Dan and use the front end loader to pick it up.

She wants to turn this free piano into a bar. I am a little apprehensive as my woodworking skills are a little iffy…If I can measure stuff correctly, If I can cut a straight line, If you don’t look to close, I may get away with it. I’ll let you know. But since we rarely have any alcohol in the house, this bar should be really handy too.

Just so you know, that “free” egg conversation never happened but it sounded funny so I wrote it. But all the other stuff happened in real life.  Well, there’s a little literary license to make sure you, dear reader, don’t get bored.